But then Paltrow shares the thoughts of Dr. Habib Sadeghi & Dr. Sherry Sami, apparently experts on what it means to divorce. Sadeghi is “the director of Be Hive of Healing, an integrative health center based in Los Angeles.” Sami is “founder of Happy Kids Dental Planet Homeopathic Dentistry and Orthodontics in Los Angeles.” Credentials (or lack thereof?) when it comes to marriage counseling aside, Sadeghi and Sami’s thoughts are treated as gospel here: The pair draw in evolutionary biology and the structure of the human skeleton (“Life is a spiritual exercise in evolving from an exoskeleton for support and survival to an endoskeleton”) in order to explain why a divorce might happen.

This is so classic it hurts. Paltrow can’t just announce a divorce via press release or in a Vanity Fair story — after all, she’s feuding with the publication ever since it launched and subsequently killed an investigation into why she was so annoying, or something yet more personal. In order to explain to her public why she and her husband might be divorcing, Paltrow had to trot out a phrase invoking mindfulness (she even does divorce better than the plebes do!) and then explain to her public, via the teachings of an integrative health professional and a homeopathic orthodontist, why adults might get divorced. Gwyneth … we already know why.

But she should never, never change. Paltrow has managed to make even the splashiest Hollywood divorces look both bitter and basic. There appears to be little acrimony between her and Martin (they’re reportedly on vacation now) — bravo! And bravo, too, for a star so devoted to her persona as the font of human wisdom that she can turn her divorce into an opportunity to enlighten us all.

One would think this is the best Goop will ever get, that it’s all downhill from here. That may be true, but consider. Paltrow’s about to start dating again, and enlightening us on what the modern dating scene is for single folks, both those with access to the finest things on earth and those who can’t afford much more than beer and pizza. I’m already refreshing goop.com once an hour.